Sexual Violence is Not Always Violent

*This article contains the following potential triggers: Sexual assault, rape*

Growing up, I always had this idea that sexual assault/rape was something violent, sometimes bloody, aggressive, and most often something that a stranger would do. I can confidently say this idea I had about sexual assault and rape came from the media I was consuming; mostly movies, tv shows, and books, since I grew up in the midst of the internets’ becoming. I had never considered that sexual assault/rape was something a partner or a loved one could or would do, that is, until it happened to me. 

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), sexual assault is defined as “any nonconsensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent”. Although state laws vary, sexual assault is generally a situation in which a person does not express consent to a sexual act with another person(s). According to this definition, I have been sexually assaulted more times that I can keep track of in my life. My first memory of being sexually assaulted was when I was kissed by a grown man at a Krockathon concert when I was about 18 years of age. I was in the parking lot of the concert with a friend when these two older men (late 40’s-early 50’s) approached us and started making conversation. Back then, I was this anxious little thing with deep-seated insecurities and often felt invisible. I always felt like the “supporting character” in my friendships, meaning I kind of just followed my friends around and tried to blend in the best I could so I wouldn’t get bullied or humiliated, which was a regular occurrence for me throughout grade school. All of a sudden, this man turned his attention towards me, and told me I would look better without my sunglasses. He was staring and smiling at me so intently that it made me so uncomfortable being in the spotlight, so I removed them to appease him in (naive) hopes that he would stop. He stared at me for a moment longer, then he kissed my lips. My friend and the men started laughing and excitedly cheering, and soon after they walked away. I barely remember the moments afterward because of being in complete shock. At the time, I was so stunned that I was even visible to him, let alone attractive to him, and I felt slightly flattered that somebody would find me worthy enough to want me in that way. Another part of me felt really uncomfortable about it, but because of the reactions of everyone else, I kind of just shrugged it off as a crazy Krockathon memory. Looking back on it now, I am horrified and disgusted that a grown man felt comfortable enough to touch me at all, let alone kiss my lips without my consent.

Moments like this occurred so often throughout my youth, so much so that when I was finally pushed on a bed by an ex partner after saying “no” to sex and him forcing himself upon me anyways, I didn’t even feel comfortable enough to call that rape until years after it happened. It wasn’t violent, it wasn’t bloody, he didn’t yell at me, hit me, or threaten me. After he finished (inside of me, without protection, and without consent for that either), we both just carried on with our day. After years of narcissistic emotional and mental abuse, I have a really bad habit of gaslighting myself into always thinking I am the problem. I must’ve looked too pretty, been flirting too much, put myself in a space where it was possible for him to take advantage of me, maybe I wasn’t loud enough, firm enough, or angry enough. I also don’t typically like to make other people feel bad, guilty, or uncomfortable. I attribute this to being socialized as a young girl to always be kind, quiet, soft, and to not take up too much space. 

Sometimes, when uncomfortable things happen, it can take us a long time to process. That doesn’t make our experiences any less valid. The truth is, these things rarely look like they do in the media. More than 50% of reported rapes of women were done by an intimate partner. It is likely that this number is even higher because many go unreported due to the stigma, fear, and risks of reporting. Women of color, immigrant women, women who work in the sex work industry, people with a mental or physical impairment, transgender women, and gender expansive people are typically less likely to report rape and/or sexual assault because of the potential consequences they might endure from police, the perpetrator(s), and/or the legal system. In many cases, people that survive rape and/or sexual assault are questioned about their experience, blamed, or not believed at all. This is known as victim blaming. We have seen time and time again in the media, a woman sharing her experience of rape or assault, and being viciously attacked and shamed by the public. As this continues to happen, it makes survivors less likely to share their experiences. Especially occurrences that are non-violent, done by an intimate partner, friend, family member, under the influence of alcohol/drugs, and when the survivor is younger in age. Some may fear retaliation, feel like it wasn’t severe enough to report, feel shame, or may not want to reveal personal information due to privacy concerns. 

Unraveling the trauma of sexual abuse holds a different timeline for everybody. Some people need an entire lifetime to process and heal from their traumatic experience, some people it might not affect as severely. There is no correct timeline to healing, and everyone’s timeline is valid. What we can do to help survivors of sexual abuse, first and foremost, is to believe them. Only 2-8% of reports are deemed as false in the United States, which is still widely up for debate due to the fact that many reasons for deeming a report as false is based on discriminatory and unfair practices. 

As women, immigrant, & transgender rights are continuously under attack, it is especially important to practice empathy, compassion, understanding, as well as provide support and safe resources to people who experience or have experienced sexual violence. Linked is a directory to various resources with specific types of support available based on the individual's needs and wants. 

Thank you for reading,

-Cin.

Resources: 

https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics/statistics-depth 

https://www.nsvrc.org/lets-talk-campus/definitions-of-terms 

https://www.nsvrc.org/saam/about-2025 

https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2018-10/Lisak-False-Reports-Moving-beyond.pdf

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10993628/